Nana Styles
A recent story about a grandmother in Florida captured my attention and gave me pause for thought.
While her grandkids were staying for several days, Nana had taken them to one of the parks at Disney World. Her daughter-in-law - rather than being delighted she’d shown the littlies a good time - was furious this had been done without her permission.
Obviously, there were complex dynamics at play in this story – not least of them an already strained relationship between the kids’ mother and grandma. But it made me ponder the kinds of grandmothers we might have had, and later want to be.
My grandmother, Edith, was absolutely the kind of woman who would have taken my brother and me to a theme park had there been one just down the road from where she lived, and possibly without explicit permission.
Though my mother, Donna, was absolutely the kind of woman who would have been thrilled we’d been shown a good time. “Did you have fun, darlings? Aren’t you lucky!” was our mother’s general approach when she came to pick us up from Grandma’s.
Edith lived not far from us and our lives were happily intertwined. Friday evenings we would all go into town together. Edith and Donna would take a trolley each at the supermarket, and we’d meet at the library after to get our books for the week.
My mother once told Grandma that friends would stop her in the supermarket aisles to ask after Edith’s health. Forever after, Grandma’s shtick was to sneak up behind Donna and stage-whisper, “How’s your mother?” at which they’d both fall about laughing.
Making people laugh was Grandma’s thing and she enlisted my help (I was more than willing) with doing little turns, reciting comic poems, and mimicking characters we saw on TV.
She was also about special treats and staying up late. She gave me a china teacup from her collection whenever I passed a dance exam and I still have those now.
Edith lived by herself and took pleasure in her financial independence, working to supplement her pension. She was the age I am now when she set off on a trip “to the Continent” as people called it back then, and people in our town remarked that this was very brave.
It’s only as I’ve been recalling all this – drawing a picture of who my grandmother was – that I’ve realised this is the kind of nana I am choosing to be.
There are different styles of grandparenting, described by those whose job it is to describe these things as Remote (geographically or emotionally), Companionate or Involved.
“Involved” grandparents live close and take a level of responsibility that my loose attitude to broccoli suggests is not me at this point – and this will be true of lots of grandparents who work fulltime or live in different towns.
“Companionate” sounds about right. I love to do the things that elders in our whānau did for me when I was little: write letters, give flowers, read books, tell family stories from the Olden Days.
Some nanas find shared passions – dancing, music, sport, art – and take the lead in making those things happen for their grandchildren.
I do late nights, macaroni cheese, Animal Biscuits and keep ice creams in the freezer. I have so far failed to take any children to Disneyland (that’s another story) but we’ve had adventures here and overseas, and I’ve had reason to appreciate places where Kids Eat Free. Sometimes there are vegetables.